Perhaps the events and my dreams of last night will be a good response for what all you beautiful Souls wrote to me.WarmSylph wrote:T'sh, no worries, take your time to sort. We'll check back when we've the time. No rush.
This is actually the second time I wrote it as the first time I had been logged out unaware and in sending lost it all. lol
Maybe I said something you should not hear in it?
Dave and I have had a love/fear relationship until very recently when he realized finally that I am what I have always told him I am. He's a Neanderthal that time jumped somehow to this day and age. (tongue in cheek) He has made it his personal job to bring me to my knees for daring to say I am connected to the Creator in ways that he is not. Or for saying I know something to be the way it is. In some ways this has been good for my awakening and in others it has kept me repressed. Well no more! I told him point blank that I Do Know More and Am More Aware than he is and that I must follow through on what I am here for. I asked for his help and support in communicating with him. He agreed to this finally, after so much cynicism and anger and rudeness.
Last night we were discussing the person who called and apologized to me. I told him that people beat against me until the light and love flow out to them illuminating the reflection they then see in the mirror that is me. It is then they realize they are actually beating against themselves.
I told him that for me, being in this body is like jumping into a Big Rig truck for the first time and knowing you have to make it move the whole time you are being beat up in everyway. Then you have to grow spiritually on top of that so you can awaken.
Just before bed I read him the first reference to Wanderers in the Law of One Books, by Ra. It described things I told Dave the day we decided to start our relationship. That I was a catalyst, a mirror, that I just "knew" things and that I could connect directly to the Creator. Also that when others attempt to hurt me they wound up rapidly paying for it karmically, which he has seen happen to at least three women friends he had that refused to let me just live my life with him. So far 2 have called to say they finally understood based on what they had experienced since then. I told him of many other things and he was always dismissive as though he was sure he would be feeding an ego in me (that by then didn't have the strength to whimper let alone roar).
He held deep resentment toward me for daring to hint that I was enlightened and that is only one of the reasons for the fear and anger that ensued. Obviously I was not acting spiritually awake. Imagine the crow he has been eating since we found the Ra material. LOL
Well, that wasn't nice on my part but it is necessary that you understand what my life has been to understand where I am now. Dave is a professional seeker who refuses to see truth much of the time because it would mean the end of the game of seeking. He feels that if he is not enlightened, nobody is unless they can do miracles that are obvious. He tried to push me into TRV for use on the Dow and actually had me in a warped emotional contest wrapped up in his favor with one of the women mentioned before I realized it and pulled out. Then we went to battle in earnest.
He has made great progress since and is becoming aware of himself, though he at times, still tries to berate me if I don't believe one path or other that he is studying. (This comes out in the dream I'll relate in a moment.)
I began wishing, as a child, that people would just wake up and love so all the pain in the world would go away and everyone would see the Creator the way I did. I soaked up spiritual information like a sponge. I started insisting on church at 5 yrs old and then by 12 was thoroughly fed up with the lies. To the point of chewing one Pastor out.
I felt driven to learn everything I could and was always falling short of fitting in so I discovered that by hiding part of myself I could fit in long enough to catch my breath. Then I would be in real trouble in the Negative Polarity.
(I tend to get overwhelmed at times, by the sheer relief of finding people who can understand at least somewhat what it feels like to be a Wanderer. Reading and listening to Ra. Hearing your replies to my presence among you. Wanting so much to fit in but terrified of going the wrong direction, for when you finally get it, you are weary from all the beatings. )
Feeling that you must owe the Universe an enormous debt. Beating yourself up for not being able to pull yourself out of the YUCK you found yourself in, let alone anyone else.
(Lonebear – I think this is where some believe they have Fallen, but that is because we have been taught that what goes around comes around. That is a third density error, not one from the place I came from. Until I understood that all the things that happened to me were simply reactions to me, the mirror, I thought I must have done something horrible in a past life.)
Knowing in my heart and soul, with every bit of my being, that I had to do something, and I wanted to. So badly I mourned, feeling somehow responsible for the chaos. (Now I understand that I am responsible for channeling the light and love of the One, the Creator – thereby helping others to see truth, not responsible for what they do while negatively polarized.) Praying everyone would wake up and love and not knowing really how I knew that. Feeling alienated. So very shy of opening up to trust for these people who more or less shunned me. Loving them anyway and seeing, further, how different I was. Them seeing me as a great and passive foot mat. Getting angry every time I so quickly let them know I was not, by refusing to play the game with them and by my grace, my unconditional love for them. Hearing their thoughts, feeling their feelings and knowing the things they were doing behind my back but not seeing clearly enough at times to address it. Personal confusion and self doubt creeping in to paralyze me. Then, using all my energy to throw that mantle off, knowing it was not truth.
Moving on from place to place. Person to person. Physical Love to Physical Love. Never understanding why these creative, intelligent, passionate and strong human beings could so easily dismiss Real Love. Not understanding what caused all the darkness in them. I glowed with light and love at times, knowing it was going to them but not understanding why. Did I owe God for the favor he did in healing me? Some of those people hurt me. Seemingly for daring to love them.
I'm in a relationship right now that is like that. He claims he has been self serving 95% of his life and now he is at least making an attempt to be positive in polarization. He switches so rapidly back and forth and then when the negative takes hold, it's like he feeds off it and holds on to it like a dog on a bone.
(Some might say that he should maintain that self service as he is here to be the balance. I say that is rubbish. Sorry if that’s offensive. It is truth. All are here to grow and All need to connect to the light and love. It is simply laziness and self protection that causes us to steer clear of those who are self serving instead of helping them. They come to us for the light and love, too. Dave is proving that to me, as have others. It is in helping them see truth that we who are more aware keep growing. The lightening of the planet cannot happen if we ignore this. Don’t ask me how I know this if my explanation above is not enough. Go inside to see it or ask Ra. It is simply truth to me. )
I keep loving him and he has come a tremendous distance but he keeps reverting. If I don't agree with whatever he says at those times, I'm supposedly causing an argument. Then he purposely says things he knows I will not be able to agree with. If I confront that behavior, he becomes surly for awhile but eventually acknowledges, in some small measure, that it is not me causing it. If I do not confront it, he allows his anger to grow until he nearly destroys us. He does state that he has been closed a long time since his ex-wife cheated on him. I know he is afraid.
I know that this lesson is mine to do but sometimes it seems as though it is killing me inside and it's hard to hold to the light and love then, though I welcome the challenge to connect even more with the Creator energy. I also know it is a way of honing my skills and understanding for interaction with others.
I realized from a dream the other night that I hid a large portion of myself when I came to live with Dave, so I could fit into his world. I can no longer do that and I retrieved that part of myself. Then the place we were in was re-modeled in a flash.
In the same dream I was nearly stampeded by horses when a colt (an innocent) came to the front and slammed into a wall of what I believe was light and love energy and fell at my feet stunned. The others stopped and turned away. (I had been asking how to fulfill my goal here. Now I know they will come to me along with everyone else and they will stay while the others go their own way.)
Then there was a dream that I had a phone that went much deeper into the inner but I can't seem to remember it. I had the thought after waking, that the phone worked. That's when I told Dave that I didn't need to search in every direction because my phone already works.
It seems to anger him that I make these statements and he gets distant if I say I don't want to do what he does. This is constant challenge for me. One rejection after another. I understand though that he is just afraid and when I apologize for offering him confusion (by refusing to participate in a negative polarity), he wakes a little more or at the very least becomes more loving. I know his self serving ego sees this as capitulation on my part but I also know his Soul is then more able to reach his physical mind, as I still refuse to participate. Then the challenge becomes his within him-self.
As for channeling, I tried that once as a young teen and had a REALLY bad experience. It was on a dare from a couple friends after I tried to contact Ben Franklin and a misty shape formed in a doorway. While in trance I was strapped face up on a roller coaster flatbed. When I got to the bottom a man in black tried to strangle me to death. I barely got out of that one.
I may attempt to channel Ra at some point but not right now. I’m not stable enough at this point though that is changing rapidly.
I have been hypnotized in the past for memory of UFO experiences. Nothing seemed quite right about it though I have had some experiences I remember. Oddly enough the tapes, from two different sessions with two different hypnotists, were incomprehensible when replayed. One had only static on it. The other was video/audio and nobody could really make the images out. It also was full of static.
I have no objections to being hypnotized for past life search but not for the purpose of determining my Wanderer Status. I know I am a Wanderer as I fit every single detail of that profile and know in my heart and soul the truth of it. I’m not altogether certain that Wanderers don’t come here more than once. I have had three or four dreams that may be past lives. One was a dream within a dream. Three were of ancient Egypt and very spiritual in nature. One was ancient Native American. The Native American was about being fought over for marriage and one Egyptian dream was about being asked to marry, which I turned down in favor of continuing my studies at the Temple. One dream was Egypt or someplace like it, also ancient, in which I was a young girl from a noble or high status. There was an attack and I was in charge of getting all the children and elders to safety. I had a huge black guardian to help me.
I wonder if those dreams were simply symbology to awaken me. The dream within a dream was dreaming I was watching a little boy on the banks of the Nile as he looked out at a mound offshore and seeing scarabs in the water around the mound. Then going into a dream where I was shown a museum of sorts, that was in a cave with glass front cubicles strange things were in. One had a blue haired dog.
I feel more and more that the nodes on the crown I mentioned are for connecting Wanderers in some way. I feel driven to do that and wish there were a Wanderer’s Forum here. Is that possible?
I would also like to create, with them, a Wanderer’s symbol that we could maintain to recognize each other as each is shown to be a true Wanderer by their recognition of who they are.
We need to unite. To help those Wanderers who are lost. We need a place to communicate and grow and become stronger. I know I am helped tremendously by your light and love and know other Wanderers are, too. But I also know we need a Forum specifically dedicated to helping us awaken more.
Will you help with this?