Humour section?

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Vuyiswa
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Humour section?

Post by Vuyiswa » Mon Apr 24, 2006 2:49 pm

Hey Bear, All,

What do you think about having a humour section where we can share what makes us laugh? Either way, I thought I'd share this sent to me by a friend.

Love,

V
These are priceless.


Jesus' Dad's Name.

A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus' mother's name?"
One child answered, "Mary."

The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' father's name was?" A
little kid said, "Verge."
Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?"
The kid said, "Well, you know, they are always talking about
Verge n' Mary.''

***********

KIDS IN CHURCH
3-year-old Reese:
"Our Father, Who does art in heaven,
Harold is His name. Amen."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little boy was overheard praying:
"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about
it. I'm having a real good time like I am."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the
Lord's Prayer for several evenings at bedtime. She would repeat after
me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I
listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to
the end of the prayer: "Lead us not into
temptation," she prayed,"but deliver us from E-mail.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the
way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in
church?"
One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother, Joel, were
sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud.
Finally, his big sister had had
enough.
"You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."
"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said,
"See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the
first pancake, I can wait.'
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A father was at the beach with his children when the
four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the
shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.
"He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she
turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,
"Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
"Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

Love is All/All is Love\r\n\r\nWhat you are looking for is what is looking.\r\n- St. Francis of Assisi

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Post by Tulan » Mon Apr 24, 2006 3:17 pm

Subject: Spanish Teacher
A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike
English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."
"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."
A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two
groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves
whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the
feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for
possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
half your paycheck on accessories for it.
(THIS GETS BETTER!)
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be
Masculine ("el computador"), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they
ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one , you realize that if you had waited a
little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won.
Ah, you seek meaning? Then listen to the music, not the song. - Kosh Naranek

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Post by Starlight* » Mon Apr 24, 2006 6:54 pm

Great idea, V!

ROFL! :lol: Those were good. I especially like the one about "la computador".


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LENT

Post by GhostCat » Wed Apr 26, 2006 12:07 pm

Alright... I grew up in Minnesota, so this one should come from me...

LENT

Lars, a Swede from Aitkin County, Minnesota, was an older, single gentleman who was born and raised a Lutheran. Every Friday night after work, he would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak.

Now, all of Lars' neighbors were Catholic, and since it was Lent, they were prohibited from eating meat on Fridays. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The priest came to visit Lars, and suggested that Lars convert to Catholicism.

After several classes and much study, Lars attended Mass, and as the priest sprinkled holy water over Lars, he said, "You were born a Lutheran, and raised a Lutheran, but now you are a Catholic."

Lars's neighbors were greatly relieved. But when Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood, the priest was immediately called in.

As he rushed into Lars's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold Lars, he stopped in amazement and watched.

There stood Lars, clutching a small bottle of water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat, and chanted, "You were born a deer, and raised a deer, but now you are a walleye."

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After sex humor

Post by Eccles » Wed Apr 26, 2006 1:00 pm

What is said after sex--based on your Sun sign

Aries: "Okay, let's do it again!"

Taurus: "I'm hungry--pass the pizza."

Gemini: "Have you seen the remote?"

Cancer: "When are we getting married?"

Leo: "Wasn't I fantastic?"

Virgo: "I need to wash the sheets."

Libra: "I liked it if you liked it."

Scorpio: "Perhaps I should untie you."

Sagittarius: "Don't call me--I'll call you."

Capricorn: "Do you have a business card?"

Aquarius: "Now let's try it with our clothes off!"

Pisces: "What did you say your name was again?"

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NDE humor

Post by Eccles » Wed Apr 26, 2006 1:01 pm

How the Twelve Signs Deal with Near Death Experiences

ARIES: "Who's in charge here? I'd like to see God right now, please. Am I dead? Gee, I never thought that could happen to me! Where can I get a crystal palace backlit with white light like that one?"

TAURUS: Leaving the body, Taurus realizes that he or she no longer has a stomach and immediately returns to the body (thud!), without seeing tunnels, light, God, etc., making Taurus skeptical for the rest of his or her life.

GEMINI: The key thing to the zodiacal twins isn't the experience itself, but how they can embellish it when telling the story (or writing about it). Since Geminis are comfortable in all worlds, except those without telephones, they usually bounce back to the body fairly rapidly-- and the mouth tends to work before the rest of the body comes back to life.

CANCER: Cancerians can live to be 125 years old, and they don't usually have near death experiences, but they can come awfully close to having a near life experience when they get brave and venture out of their house for "supplies."

LEO: "Nooooooo, I am NOT dead. I am not, I am not, I am not . . . Who are those guys in the white robes? What's that they're singing . . . ? They're off key. I can sing better than that! Where's the choir director? I need a microphone immediately. Unless it's Rolling Stone or Spin, hold my calls."

VIRGO: Working a marathon 60 hours straight, Virgo collapses and leaves the body. She moves through that delightfully clean and sparkling tunnel of light, occasionally reflecting upon possible improvements . . . but soon becomes so worried by the thought of her loved ones "managing" without her that she snaps back into the body like white lightning, sits up, and calmly pronounces herself alive, glancing at her watch.

LIBRA: Floating out of the body, then in, then out, then in, and finally out again . . . Libra sees a tunnel and a vibrant being of light at the other end. "Wow, is that Jesus? Wait a minute, maybe it's Kwan Yin. That looks like something she'd wear." Never deciding whether to go through the tunnel (after all, what's death without someone to share it with?) Libra ends up back in the body by default, hounded by a mysterious compulsion to start a dating service for discarnate souls.

SCORPIO: Since most Scorpios have nine lives, they tend to brainstorm different ways to trigger the near death experience. Once nearly dead, most can barely get to the end of the tunnel without meeting some being with whom they have astral sex. When asked whom they prefer to greet them on the other side, 75% name a favorite vampire, and Medusa is a strong contender.

SAGITTARIUS: Sag floats out of her body and has to laugh at the stupid way she bought the farm. After somehow BREAKING the tunnel of light, she absolutely refuses to return to the body, since she's been trying to get out of it for all these years (via clumsy accidents). Because Sag is immensely curious about whether the so-called organized religious have any validity at all, this stroke of luck leads to some amaaaaaazing lessons, until, alas, the astral folks tire of her and trick her into returning to Earth for the duration.

CAPRICORN: It might take Capricorn a little while to realize he's dead because there are special rooms set up to look like executive offices for newly-dead Goats. A sharp-looking, older gentleman-ghost comes in and gives Cap an instruction manual titled HOW TO PROFIT IN THE ASTRAL MARKETPLACE, plus a "job evaluation" type assessment of Cap's achievements and mistakes over the lifetime, followed by a pink slip (meaning the body revived). Caps tend to return to their bodies quickly, unable to tolerate non-physical existence for long.

AQUARIUS: Aquarius gets to the pearly gates, sees that heaven isn't run by consensus, and opts for hell, where at least there is an appealing anarchy and rules are made to be broken. Ironically, Aquarian near-death experiences tend to be extremely traditional, i.e., God the Father, St. Peter, the celestial choir and so on (another reason to rebel and opt for hell). Once in the underworld, they bedevil the hell out of Satan and his cronies with their loud and vigorous campaigns for progressive reforms, and are quickly expelled back to the body.

PISCES: For some reason, our Piscean friends barely notice their near death experiences. Instead, during a typical day at the office, many Pisceans report seeing beings with long-suffering expressions on their faces and who patiently tell the Piscean to go back to his or her body.

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How many to change a lightbulb?

Post by Eccles » Wed Apr 26, 2006 1:03 pm

How Many Members of Your Sign Does It Take to Change a Lightbulb?

ARIES: Just one. Wanna make something of it?

TAURUS: Well, I prefer natural light if at all possible. Are you absolutely positive that lightbulb is burned out? I hate to throw it away if it still might be useful.

GEMINI: Probably one is best, because if there are more than one, they'll get so wrapped up in talking to each other that they'll forget all about the lightbulb.

CANCER: Only one, but three therapists will be needed to help with the grieving process. OR: Only one, as long as his mommy holds his hand.

LEO: Leos do not change their own lightbulbs. They find someone else to do it for them.

VIRGO: 1.11111119873, give or take .00000000000013%.

LIBRA: Well, I could do it, unless of course you'd prefer to do it, but you look sort of busy right now. What do you want to do?

SCORPIO: One, from across the room, if they've learned their teleporting lessons well enough.
OR, thanks to one of our website visitors: None, because Scorpios aren't afraid of the dark.

SAGITTARIUS: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got the rest of our lives ahead of us and you're worrying about a stupid light bulb?

CAPRICORN: I don't have time for these foolish jokes.

AQUARIUS: Well, you see, energy is really matter and matter is really energy and light is a form of energy but the light bulb is matter, and--

PISCES: What light bulb?

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Carina Nebula

Post by LoneBear » Wed May 03, 2006 1:06 pm

Always wondered what God had in mind, making this so visible from Earth...
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Post by Tulan » Wed May 03, 2006 1:29 pm

ROFL! I am laughing so hard!

Although the G'kar commentary isn't audible.
Ah, you seek meaning? Then listen to the music, not the song. - Kosh Naranek

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Re:

Post by BlueEagle » Wed May 03, 2006 6:11 pm

LOL. O man. Thanks all. I liked the sign comparisons Eccles.

And, yes... as the humans say. Loved it. Good idea V.

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All you men are alike...

Post by LoneBear » Mon Jul 31, 2006 9:41 pm

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman, in particular, loses it.

Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stare, eyes riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then a cowboy from Wyoming stands up in the rear of the plane. He is handsome, well built, with dark brown hair and blue eyes He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt, one button at a time. No one moves. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest.

She gasps...







He whispers.....








"Iron this. Then get me a beer."

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Post by Alluvion » Tue Aug 01, 2006 5:51 am

oh jeezz....

: )

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Post by Starlight* » Tue Aug 01, 2006 9:25 am

hahahahaha.
what a tease!lol


I tell 'ya.......men!

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Feeling flushed

Post by LoneBear » Sun Dec 10, 2006 3:49 am

A couple in the USA could not believe their Water Bill after coming back from vacation.

How could the Water Bill be so high when nobody was at home?

He complained to the water board and they advised him to check for leaks in the house or on the external taps.

They thought that someone was using their external taps in the garden when they were away.

One night they heard the water running, so the owner jumped out of bed grabbed his camcorder in order to catch the thief, and caught the water thief in action:

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid ... 4936185526

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Letting the Cat Out of the Bag

Post by Starlight* » Sun Dec 10, 2006 8:16 am

:lol:

I wonder if he would make it into the "The Guinness Book of Records".


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Re: Letting the Cat Out of the Bag

Post by LoneBear » Sun Dec 10, 2006 9:43 pm

Starlight* wrote:I wonder if he would make it into the "The Guinness Book of Records".
I'd say there's no puss-ability of that happening, and that is certainly a cat-tastrophe! :)

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Post by Starlight* » Mon Dec 11, 2006 7:54 am

Purrrrrr!

Have you taken a look a the number of posts under you name: 999 ;

A new different (picture), eh?

Double, Purrrrr!


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Post by LoneBear » Mon Dec 11, 2006 10:09 pm

Starlight* wrote:Have you taken a look a the number of posts under you name: 999
When I got this message via e-mail, you said "666"... I thought you "flipped!"

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Post by Starlight* » Tue Dec 12, 2006 12:58 am

Yes, I did flip! You have that effect....on me.

When I first saw 999, the first thing that came to mind was 666. But the number of posts was 999, not 666. As you know, any which way you add, etc. the numbers, you end up with the same number.

There were other videos within that website....if you go back to browse: cats", there's a video where the cat is barking and howling, I thought that was also funny.


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An Obituary for the Humor Section

Post by LoneBear » Tue Jan 23, 2007 9:26 pm

Sent to me by a friend; this one is truly a work of art:

http://www.lmtribune.com/obituaries/obi ... bitID=1180

"Tommy (Bossman) Shrader was born May 30, 1967, in Medina, Ohio, to Lorene Shrader and that other s.o.b."... "Tommy spent many "educational" hours riding around with his grandpa, Howard Hawke. His grandpa gave him the map to find a bar without grandma knowing."

Now this is a cowboy!

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American Santa Claus

Post by LoneBear » Sat Jan 05, 2008 6:39 pm

Having spent many years in the computer industry, I find this just TOO accurate... is that Gopi? :D
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Out-sourcing Christmas
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Is hell exothermic or endothermic?

Post by LoneBear » Sat Jan 05, 2008 6:41 pm

A true story.

A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question:

Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with a proof.

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. One student, however wrote the following:

First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls entering hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant.

#1 So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose.

#2 Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given me by Therese Banyan during Freshman year, and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true, and hell is exothermic.

The student got the only A.

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Re: Humour section?

Post by Gopi » Sun Jan 06, 2008 2:04 am

LoneBear wrote:.. is that Gopi? :D
Strange you mention this... I was watching another movie yesterday (I watch a lot on the first day of school) called "Outsourced" telling the story of an American whose job has been outsourced... So are you the Santa? :D
It is time.

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Re: Humour section?

Post by Starlight* » Mon Jan 07, 2008 9:44 am

So are you the Santa?
LOL, my thoughts were exactly --during X-mas!

lol, that's a good one Gopi!

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Flying Cat

Post by LoneBear » Sat May 03, 2008 4:30 pm

Fortunately, only the cat's ego was bruised...


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