Humour section?

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Arcelius
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Re: Flying Cat

Post by Arcelius » Sat May 03, 2008 7:31 pm

LoneBear wrote:Fortunately, only the cat's ego was bruised...
Unfortunately, YouTube responds with "We're sorry, this video is no longer available."

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Re: Flying Cat

Post by LoneBear » Sat May 03, 2008 7:38 pm

aluxon wrote:Unfortunately, YouTube responds with "We're sorry, this video is no longer available."
Here is the direct link: http://youtube.com/watch?v=ZWM_khN4UL0

Just tried it, and it is still working (at least from the USA).

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Re: Flying Cat

Post by Arcelius » Sun May 04, 2008 11:46 am

LoneBear wrote:
aluxon wrote:Unfortunately, YouTube responds with "We're sorry, this video is no longer available."
Here is the direct link: http://youtube.com/watch?v=ZWM_khN4UL0

Just tried it, and it is still working (at least from the USA).
The direct link works. Thanks for the laugh!

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Re: Humour section?

Post by zenmaster » Sun May 04, 2008 8:12 pm

Holy crap that was good.

Meet "Burger":
http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=a3v90Z1Pv ... re=related

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Re: Humour section?

Post by LoneBear » Sun Jul 06, 2008 12:23 am

If I'm starving every morning and murder a bowl of corn flakes each day, does that make me a "cereal killer"?

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Re: Humour section?

Post by LoneBear » Thu Aug 07, 2008 11:04 pm

There's a Fire in the Chapel... Holy smoke!

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Breeding Bulls (cowboy humor)

Post by LoneBear » Thu Aug 28, 2008 9:48 pm

Breeding Bulls by Spurtrax

My wife and I went to the state fair and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs .....Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year.' We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,

'THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW!! That's more than twice a week! ..........You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,

'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, 'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow.'

My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.

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Re: Humour section?

Post by Gopi » Sun Sep 07, 2008 12:29 pm

Something posted on IIT K newsgroups, thought it was good.
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It is time.

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Re: Humour section?

Post by LoneBear » Sun Nov 02, 2008 1:43 pm

Two blondes walk into a building...

... you'd think one of them would have seen it.

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Re: Humour section?

Post by Gopi » Thu Sep 10, 2009 10:41 pm

It is time.

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This one is for "goldenshield"...

Post by LoneBear » Tue Sep 29, 2009 7:12 pm

Cowboy rules for: Texas, Arizona, New Mexico, Colorado, Oklahoma, Wyoming, Montana, Utah, Idaho, Nevada, Oregon... and the rest of the Wild West are as follows:
  1. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
  2. Turn your cap right, your head ain't crooked.
  3. Let's get this straight: it's called a 'gravel road,’ and I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're gonna get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way ...
  4. They are cattle. That's why they smell like cattle. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-10, I-40, I-70 and I-80 go east and west, I-17, I-15, I-25 and I-35 goes north and south. Pick one.
  5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $300,000 combines that are driven 3 weeks a year.
  6. Every person in the Wild West waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept…
  7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of geese/pheasants/ducks/doves are comin' in during the hunts, we WILL shoot it outa your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
  8. Yeah. We eat trout, salmon, deer and elk. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.
  9. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.
  10. We open doors for women. That's applied to all women, regardless of age.
  11. No, there's no 'vegetarian special' on the menu. Order steak, or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham and turkey.
  12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup! Oh, yeah . . We don't care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat... IT AIN'T REAL CHILI !!!
  13. You bring 'Coke' into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.
  14. College and High School Football is more important here than the Giants, the Yankees, the Mets, the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.
  15. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards - it spooks the fish.
  16. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump crap ain't music, anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your drawers! Refer back to #1!
A true Westerner will share this with others.
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Martha Stewart's Rules for Rednecks

Post by LoneBear » Fri Oct 23, 2009 12:38 am

GENERAL
  1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
  2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
  3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
  4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
  5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
DINING OUT
  1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
  2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
  1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
  2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.
PERSONAL HYGIENE
  1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
  2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
  3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
FAMILY GATHERINGS
  1. You go to a wedding and everybody sits on the same side of the Church.
  2. Your cousins Clem & Zeke look at you and smile as the play Dueling Banjos.
  3. You've been married 3 times and still have the same in-laws.

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Corn Maze for Blondes

Post by LoneBear » Mon Oct 26, 2009 12:34 pm

And I bet they still get lost... :)
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Natural Blonde?

Post by LoneBear » Sun Apr 14, 2013 5:05 pm

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How to tell a "natural blonde"
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Re: Natural Blonde?

Post by WhiteFyre » Sun Apr 14, 2013 5:59 pm

Well hey, from her perspective, it looks like right.

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Re: Natural Blonde?

Post by LoneBear » Tue Apr 16, 2013 10:04 am

Gopi wrote:I get enough of such forwards from a million different directions all day long, with the general feeling of superiority being "Let us look at that stupid person and laugh". From my experience, such an attitude is pretty poisonous in the long run, leading to a holier-than-thou... and of course, it starts innocently as a harmless joke and giving someone a hard time.
See: What is Humor?
Humor

The individual deals with emotional conflict or external stressors by emphasizing the amusing or ironic aspects of the conflict or stressor.
Humor helps us by replacing distressing emotions with pleasurable feelings.
Humor adjusts the meaning so that the event is not so powerful.
Humor reduces stress by assisting us to view the world with perspective.
Humor shifts the ways in which we think, and distress is greatly associated with the way we think.
It is not situations that generate our stress, but the meaning we place on the situations.
Gopi wrote:At the very least, can this be moved to the humor section?
Actually, it was a reply to the "Corn Maze for Blondes" post, but it seems there are still a few index errors in the database from when I converted over to PostgreSQL; I have corrected the indices and it is now showing up in the humor section, where it was supposed to be.

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Re: Humour section?

Post by Obzistian » Thu Mar 27, 2014 3:44 pm

The (not-so) subtle difference between being a Southern Gentleman or a Redneck hick.

A Southern gentleman would know:

(social etiquette)

Never take a beer to a job interview.

Always identify people in the yard before shooting at them.

When to use a fork, knife or spoon instead of his fingers.

A centerpiece should probably not be one stuffed by a taxidermist.

To open doors for all women, regardless of age or how 'purdy' they are.

If drinking straight from the bottle, to make sure no one else wanted a glass of it first.

Your Sunday best isn't your favorite team's jersey and a dual can, beer guzzling hat.


(personal hygiene)

If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

That ears and noses need to be cleaned, but in the privacy of your own home.

Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing, but only for a day.

Whether under garments are optional or not.

Using liquor as mouth wash might kill some germs, but doesn't get rid of bad breath.

(family gatherings)

Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered ill manners to drive a U-Haul to the funeral.

You shouldn't end up with the same in-laws from your second marriage.

Family reunions are not places to pick up chicks.
Interactive Intelligence coordinates movement in harmony with its nature.

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Student who obtained 0% on an exam--with correct answers

Post by LoneBear » Fri May 16, 2014 2:53 pm

STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM

Q1.. In which battle did Napoleon die?
--- his last battle

Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
--- at the bottom of the page

Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?
--- liquid

Q4.. What is the main reason for divorce?
--- marriage

Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
--- exams

Q6.. What can you never eat for breakfast?
--- Lunch & dinner

Q7. What looks like half an apple?
--- The other half

Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
--- Wet

Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ?
--- No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
--- You will never find an elephant that has one hand.

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ?
--- Very large hands

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
--- No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q13. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
--- Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.
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Re: Humour section?

Post by Ilkka » Sat May 17, 2014 1:44 am

Hilarious post there LB! :D

The guy is so smart and playful with english words that teacher must have been pissed off to give him/her an 0%.
Enjoy the Silence

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Re: Humour section?

Post by LoneBear » Sat May 17, 2014 8:51 am

Ilkka wrote:The guy is so smart and playful with english words that teacher must have been pissed off to give him/her an 0%.
I don't know the origin; it was sent to me by a friend. Probably from Europe, as we don't say "exams" in America, it is "tests" or "quiz." But I watch enough BBC to know it is a popular term in Europe.

I like it because it pokes fun at the number of assumptions we make in every statement (regardless of language).

"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know." --Groucho Marx
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Re: Humour section?

Post by Ilkka » Sun May 18, 2014 2:04 am

LoneBear wrote:
Ilkka wrote:The guy is so smart and playful with english words that teacher must have been pissed off to give him/her an 0%.
I don't know the origin; it was sent to me by a friend. Probably from Europe, as we don't say "exams" in America, it is "tests" or "quiz." But I watch enough BBC to know it is a popular term in Europe.

I like it because it pokes fun at the number of assumptions we make in every statement (regardless of language).

"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know." --Groucho Marx
Yea thats right about the language, it seems that I had used wrong term there about the english language. Just thought about the U.S. because the one thing about "Declaration of Indepence" however there are alot of them in Europe aswell, in this country we started our independence in 1917, had to check the date from wikipedia, because had forgotten it already. Relatively recent date that is indeed.
Enjoy the Silence

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Re: Humour section?

Post by Arcelius » Sat Jul 19, 2014 5:54 pm


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Instant Death

Post by LoneBear » Wed Jul 30, 2014 8:41 pm

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Instant death--$200 fine
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Re: Humour section?

Post by LoneBear » Tue Mar 31, 2015 2:16 pm

Why L-M's don't do "selfies"...
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Smile!
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Professional Rivalry

Post by LoneBear » Thu Jun 11, 2015 8:21 pm

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Larson Wears Bloomers
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